


Where do we go from here?

by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post canon, ends up with the rebels, feelings happen, kylo is an angsty baby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:13:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Of_Dresden/pseuds/ClaraCivry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the debacle with the Starkiller, Kylo Ren is having many doubts and cannot be in the first order anymore. He will meet again some certain rebels, but in new circumstances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a complete disaster. 

Kylo Ren had failed in every aspect in which he could have failed, and he had let himself go. He was hunched over himself, thrown on the floor of one of the corners of a deserted kitchen of the base where they were. Contemplating all that had happened lately, everythign that had gone so terribly wrong. 

It had all started with that damn stormtrooper that had betrayed them. He should have seen, should have known that something was wrong - should have acted, swiftly and efficiently. But he hadn't, and now they had an enemy out there with intimate knowledge of the First Order. Not only that, FN 2187 reminded everyone that there was a way out of the first order, that there were alternatives that you could defect from the order and survive, and that if one of them had had reasons to leave, maybe they did too. It showed the other stormtroopers that there was a functional world beyond the order, a world that could accept them. 

It had been a painful reminder of who he used to be, of who he could have been. And now there was talk of Jedis coming back, of his uncle being found...  
Everything had gone downhill from there. It had been his choice to get just the girl and not the droid, and that scavenger hadn't just resisted him, but found out that she could use the force and escaped. Those last few days everything had been blurry, his motivations to conitnue on the first order, the need to remain on the dark side... all of it, the memories, the feelings coming back, the light side gaining spece on him... And then, when everything was falling apart and he was desperately holding on to who he was, his father had to appear and call him by his old name.   
Kylo thought it would be a good thing, getting rid of him. That it would make him stronger, more determined, with less ties to the light. But it hadn't felt good, at all, it hadn't been liberating. Instead, it had filled him with dread and sadness and a longing for a home he could never go back to. He had just wanted to cry, and feel someone's arms around him and it had made him doubt himself and his shook all his convictions. 

And then, while the rebels were utterly destroying the starkiller, that scavenger had absolutely beat him up. If he'd been defeated by this woman when she had practically no training, how would he deal with her if she managed to find Luke and was trained? He would have no way of winning. He'd lost his superiority, he'd lost the base and the weapon, he'd lost his father. Killed him, you have killed him and why aren't you proud?

So there he was, sprawled in the metallic floor trying to hold back the tears (and miserably failing), wondering what he would do with himself now, if he'd be able to put back the façade of the dark warrior. The mask helped, but Snoke but know and no one could know. They were in too fragile a position to have a doubtful leader. They needed a column, someone stern.   
Like the man that was kneeling in front of him, in silence. Hux. 

Sometimes he admired the man and his anger and seemingly constant frown. He admired his dedication and how he never wavered, never lost his cool. Hux was a great soldier and leader, and was fiercely loyal. And sometimes, once every decade or so, he showed himself as human. That was one of those rare moments. 

"Can I help in any way?" There wasn't much warmth in his words, but no malice either. 

"I can not stay, General. I am nothing but a liability to the order right now. I am sorry but I cannot face the Supreme leader or anyone else. I need... space and time. Or else I may explode at the wrong people."

Hux was silent and for a moment Kylo Ren was scared. He was still recovering from his wounds and was absolutely emotionally drained, he didn't know if he'd be able to defeat should he strike and arrested him for treason. 

But Hux didn't do that. He got weirdly close and took a small thing from Ren. A tracker, he realised then. 

"Go. I will give the supreme leader some excuse."

And the general offered his hand. A small kindness on the hell of the last weeks, but that didn't change his mind. What kind of dark leader was allowed to touched over a colleague's kindness? He was supposed to loathe kindness and friendship. 

So he took a small ship, left the base suddenly like a big weight had been lifted off of him and went far, far, so far.... 

******

There had been reports of some strange activity - someone that had come without identifying themselves and then apparently crashed, so Poe and Finn went to check it out. It was probably nothing, but there were important people in that planet that needed to be protected. 

Finn and Poe went there joking, happy to get away from the serious military leaders and the mournings, and just be able to talk to each other, be free to have any type of conversation. It felt almost like a field trip. But it wasn't. 

The first thing they saw was the smke from the crash, and they started seeing parts that had flown over. The little ship was almost whole, which probably meant that it hadn't been going at great velocity. Finn had his blaster drawn when Poe signaled something on the floor - a blood trail. There had been someone there, someone who was injured. 

Together, they looked around and turned over some metal pieces until they saw him. It was almost difficult to recognise without the mask and the rest of the gear, but there he was, unconscious and bleeding but alive: the one and only Kylo Ren, formerly Ben Solo. 

Finn and Poe looked at each other, and the pilot spoke. 

"What are we going to do with him?"

Finn just shook his head.

"I've got a bad feeling about this."


	2. Chapter 2

_He could hear a voice in the distance, calling to him, but everything was too blurry. Part of him wanted wanted to move, to defend himself but the other just would rather stay in that nice state between being awake and asleep. He felt someone shaking him, and did nothing._

_Kylo could hear some voices near him speaking, as he lay on some unknown bed. And there was so much hostility, so much hatred. He could feel it - it was directed at him._

"He should be in a cell, not here!"

"You know that-"

"The General's mind and heart is clouded, she can't think clearly. He is a danger to us all!"

"Well, I'm not getting on her bad side just in case he wakes up and freaks, are you? The man is all broken down, anyways."

_Then there was silence and some unknown amount of time passed in that weird limbo. Kylo couldn't get get up, couldn't move, couldn't even open his eyes. Maybe he had been drugged, maybe whoever had picked him up had tampered with him, to make him less dangerous. He didn't think he had the strength to do anything, anyways._

_That time away from the Order was supposed to help him put his feelings in order so he'd be more clear on everything, but it hadn't worked, and he'd ended up more confused than ever. He'd any type of guidance and found himself alone with his thoughts. Stripped of his gear, of leader and underlings, only himself. And realised that after all these years he still didn't know really who he was, what he wanted. He thought he did... and for a while, he felt like he belonged in there, in the darkness. Until it all started to crack, to break, to collapse._

_The illusion was no more. He didn't belong in the dark, but he didn't belong in the light side either. He had no one left, he had nothing left._

_As he heard some new rebel voices complaining in the background, he finally let go. He had never even opened his eyes._

* * *

 

Leia was sitting on her son's bedside, feeling very anxious. She wondered who would greet her when those dark eyes opened. Would she see something of her sweet little boy or would there be only be the face of a stranger, the face of the person that took her son away? The tyrant and murderer, the power of darkness that had broken her little family.

She knew that it would be difficult and painful, but she wanted her son back and refused to give up hope. He could be as great for them as he had been for the first order and try to leave the suffering behind. Without all the black clothes, without that mask and unarmed, the man lying there looked much more like her boy than the tyrant he'd become, much more like Ben than Kylo Ren.

But Leia knew it was too early to be hopeful. They had no indication that Ben had actually chosen to join them and left the first order of his own accord. He could be trying to play them - infiltrate the resistance using his personal connections to break them down. This could all be an elaborate scheme on the first order's side.

Leia caressed her son's face and head, careful with the many bruises and cut that marred his pale skin. She wondered if he was in pain - wondered how much he'd endured all those years, without having anyone to comfort him.

"I wish I could have done something more, Ben. Something to keep you with us, at home, so you knew that this was always where you would belong... I'm sorry about everything I could have done but never did."

He was so tall now - not a boy like the last she'd seen him, but a man. And yet, she could still see him there, this man was still in part the sweet moody boy she'd raised. Maybe because when he was asleep he looked more peaceful, she was reminded of many years before and started singing a lullaby, the one she used when Ben was little and had nightmares.

It had been so long... Just being close to him comforted her, despite all that he'd done. Leia hoped that some part of Ben was comforted by her song and her presence, too.

* * *

Cole Dillmann had been with the resistance for over fifteen years and had learnt manything about their enemy and how it worked. And yet, the first order always seemed to have the upper hand, because they had more people, more ships, weapons and ressources and they were much more efficient. The First order were ruthless and extremely well-equipped. And now that the resistance had lost the Republic, they were in an even more disadvantageous position than before. They were in serious trouble and they knew it - no simple Jedi warrior could solve this.

But then something happened - almost a miracle. Kylo Ren, second-in-command of their enemies after Snoke, had fallen into them, injured. It was the perfect occasion to get all the info they needed about the order's weak points, about their strategies, about their leaders and plans. And because he was weakened he wouldn't be able to put up a fight. Ooh, it was the perfect moment, the perfect opportunity. Cole would go the man and get all that he wanted.

He had to make sure Commander Organa was distracted, because she would certainly want to stop him. And so Cole and a couple of associates created some diversion with fire and a little couple of explosions, forcing Leia to leave her son's bedside. So Dillmann and his partners knocked out the guards that were on Ren's room and took the man to their secret place. A little basement room where nobody would hear anything.

Kylo Ren, the fearsome knight of the dark side was as limp as a doll and perfectly harmless while they secured him to a special chair in their basement room. Oh, how he was going to enjoy this. Over the years, Dillmann had seen the destruction Kylo Ren had caused, had learnt to loathe the name. And now he was stripped of his gadgets, of his weapons, just a pale long boy with too many wounds to count.

"You're going to be the salvation of the resistance, whether you like it or not."

There was only one problem: he wouldn't wake up. Cole tried and tried, moved, slapped him, shook him, and nothing. How was he going to get any information like this? Cole had known that it probably wouldn't be so easy but this, this was useless. How was he going to save the resistance like this?

"You're not." A feminine voice said behind him. "Release him."

So, Rey was back. This could be a problem.

"No. We're in a bad situation, we need to do this - you know other people are thinking about it too, and they may not be so kind as I am being."

"There are other ways. We are better than this."

"You think he'll respond to your better ways? That man is a trained murderer and manipulator, who can kill people without even touching them - we can let him recuperate or he'll have the upper hand."

_There were people screaming -_

"Release him and leave or I'll have to inform the Commander."

"This is for the good of everyone, you don't understand-"

_They didn't stop, they never stopped- they were coming for him..._

There was a scream and Dillmann flew across the room, landing ungracefully on the floor.

Rey looked and found dark eyes finally open, with Kylo Ren looking at her, still chained to that chair. A confused voice called to her inside Rey's head.

_"..... What happened?"_

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback very much appreciated ;)


End file.
